i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
