omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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