Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
