the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Life without a bra equals bliss.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
