the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
