I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
