Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
