So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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