I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
If I had your ass I would rule the world
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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