I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
