oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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