Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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