Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
