It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
