In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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