I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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