and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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