I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
