really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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