tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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