Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
