her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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