we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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