the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Never let your siblings swipe right.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
