i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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