The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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