i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
