All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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