I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
