I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I think I sprained my soul last night
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
