I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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