After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
