i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
