If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
