walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
