So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
