I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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