yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
