if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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