How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
