Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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