me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
