Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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