just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Randomize
