Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
