I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
