at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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