I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
