his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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