do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
