you didnt know i had herpes?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
