she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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