I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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